Late Night Confessions: A Steamy Older Man Younger Woman Romance Page 8

  I wanted to give her that and a whole bunch more.

  Maya

  “More fake wine?” TJ asked, an amused smile on his face.

  I smiled at him from across the table. The place was beautiful, decorated in shades of burgundy and silver. Each table had a single white rose in a bud vase. The lighting was lowered, but I could still see how handsome he looked sitting across from me. He’d worn a charcoal grey suit, and I’d just about had a spontaneous orgasm when he picked me up tonight. He looked hot as hell. How on earth was a guy like that interested in me?

  “I’m good, thanks.” He’d wanted to order a bottle of wine, but when I shyly confessed that I didn’t like the taste, he said he didn't want to drink without me and that he'd have whatever I was having. I felt a little sheepish when the waitress brought us sodas in such an elegant restaurant, but TJ had winked at me and asked her to bring wine glasses. Now we were sipping our sodas out of delicate, refined glasses. It was silly, I know, but it made me feel extra grown up. It added to the occasion.

  Not that the occasion needed anything extra to make it special. I was here, on a date, with the most amazing man I'd ever met. A smart, sexy, strong man who was everything I never dreamed I'd find. The fact that he wanted to be here with me seemed almost too good to be true.

  “You really don’t drink?”

  “Not much,” I said. Since I’d never been all that social, I hadn’t usually attended parties with drinking. Occasionally at Andy’s place I’d have a beer. Or about four sips of one. It didn’t taste very good to me, either.

  “That explains why you’re still…” he paused and mouthed “a virgin” as if it was a state secret.

  “Does it?”

  “Sure. You’ve never gotten drunk enough to do something you’d regret the next day.”

  I laughed. “Who says I’d regret it?”

  “Waking up next to someone whose name you can’t remember is a pretty common experience in college.”

  “Did you do that when you were in school?”

  “A few times, yeah,” he said. Even after all our very frank talks both online and off, it still amazed me how he could talk so openly about stuff like that. “But if it’s with the right person, you won’t regret it.”

  “So I’ve been told,” I said. His statement could pretty much summarize our entire chat that first night we’d chatted for so many hours.

  “Just wait. You’ll see.” His expression was smug as he took a bite of garlic bread.

  My food was mostly untouched. It was delicious, as he’d said it would be, but I was paying more attention to him than my plate. I had something I wanted to ask him, and it was more important than my meal. “What if I don’t want to wait?”

  His piercing gaze captured mine and I couldn’t look away.

  “Then don’t,” he said. “We discussed this before, that first night. You can do whatever you want to do.”

  “I know what I want to do. But… it’s not just up to me.” I took a deep breath. Now was my chance to say something I’d been rehearsing for days. “It wasn’t right before because it was with the wrong person. But now… now I know someone who feels like the right person. But, I’m not entirely sure if he feels the same way.”

  “Really?” he cocked an eyebrow at me in that sexy way of his, but his expression was seriously. “It seems to me like he’s been pretty obvious about his feelings. How he can’t stay away from you even though it would be better for both of you if he did. How he can’t go an hour without texting, chatting, or seeing you in person. Seems like he’s pretty crazy about you. Or, given the risk we’re both taking with our careers, maybe he’s just crazy.”

  A sigh of relief escaped my lips at his words. I’d thought we were on the same page—but I didn’t have much experience in this department. “Maybe we’re both crazy. But I don’t want to stop.”

  “Me either.”

  “In fact, I want more.”

  Now he laughed, and picked up his soda. “Normally, those words, along with ‘we need to talk’ are the quickest way to strike fear into a man’s heart.”

  My cheeks heated. I was so inexperienced when it came to this kind of thing, but wasn’t going to be deterred. I knew what I wanted. “I’m ready for more than just chatting. More than just… foreplay.”

  He opened his mouth, and I expected him to say something glib, but he only said, “Me too.”

  Now was the time for total honesty. I took a deep breath. “I want my first time to be with you.”

  Though TJ had to know that that’s where this conversation was headed, for a moment, he seemed to be at a loss for words. Then he reached across the table and took my hand in his. “Are you sure?” His eyes were dark and intense as he stared at me, his food forgotten on his plate now, too.

  “100 percent sure.”

  “Good. Then how about tomorrow night?”

  My heart took an odd thump in my chest and then beat faster. “Tomorrow?”

  “Yes. My place. You and me. No hiding. No sneaking around. No interruptions. Just a perfect night you’ll remember for the rest of your life. How does that sound?”

  The word ‘yes’ was on the tip of my tongue, but I forced myself to think—something that was hard to do when he was looking at me in such an intimate way. This was that I wanted—wasn’t it? I’d thought it was what I wanted with Andy before, but I’d been so wrong. But this time it was with someone I cared about. Someone I was falling for. And someone who seemed to be pretty damn into me, too.

  “It sounds perfect,” I said, and I reached over and grasped his hand.

  A shadow fell across the table, and a familiar voice spoke.

  “Actually, it doesn’t.”

  Dr. Harper, the head of the English Department, was standing next to us.

  TJ

  Shit, I’d been stupid. I knew it, and Dr. Harper, who was currently lecturing me in her office, knew it too. This was our second meeting—the first one had been this morning with a Human Resources representative.

  “I don’t think I need to tell you how this behavior is a direct affront to university codes of conduct,” Dr. Harper was saying.

  She was right, she didn’t need to tell me that. Yet she had, over and over. And a whole lot more. “Needless to say, this incident is going to reflect badly on your petition for tenure.”

  Funny how fond she was of saying things that didn’t need to be said. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew the score. I’d been working toward a tenure position my entire career. Since I was a TA like Maya, in fact. This jeopardized my position. My ability to stay at the university. My entire future. And somehow, I couldn’t seem to give a shit about myself. “What’s going to happen to Maya?”

  Dr. Harper looked at me sharply from over her dark, narrow glasses. She was a rather stern-looking woman of perhaps fifty-five. Always before, she’d struck me as strict but fair. Well, she could be strict with me, but not Maya.

  “She’ll be put on probation. We’ll have a member of the English Department sit in on all the classes she teaches, and she won’t attend the TA meetings. Instead, she’ll be under the supervision of Dr. Kessler.”

  “No.”

  Rick Kessler was eighty, so hard of hearing that everyone had to shout at him, and he wouldn’t know what a computer was if one fell on his head. “She needs guidance, not an anchor around her neck. Her students turn in their writing online, she uses several different software systems. Dr. Kessler can’t guide her through any of that.”

  “Composition didn’t start with the invention of the computer, Dr. Jenson. Rick will be a fine mentor.”

  “No,” I said again. “No to him, no to her classes being observed, and all the rest.”

  “This isn’t a negotiation.”

  “Actually, it is. Do what you want to me, but don’t take this out on her. She’s a good instructor, and she’s only going to get better. She gets a lot out of those TA meetings. The kids all bounce ideas off each other and grow together. Hell, I learn
a lot from their enthusiasm and fresh ideas. Whoever leads the group is going to find out that it’s stronger with her in it.”

  Dr. Harper’s grey eyes were still on me. “We haven’t decided who will be leading the meetings. It certainly won’t be you.”

  “I know that. Is Carolyn coming back?”

  “Not in the immediate future, no.”

  “Then how about—”

  “The matters of the graduate teaching assistants are no longer concern you, Dr. Jenson.”

  How was abandoning those TAs the right thing? But fine, I would. All except one. “Maya didn’t know who I was when she met me—nor I her, for that matter. Neither of us know we were colleagues. That we’d be working together.”

  “And when you found out, you should have had nothing more to do with her.”

  “That was the plan,” I said, leaning back in my chair, resting my fingertips together in front of me.

  “You should have stuck with it. But at any rate, I will take your thoughts on Maya’s future with this department into consideration. But if she’s not going to be on probation, then you should certainly consider yourself to be. You still have a position here—I just have my doubts as to whether it will be a tenured position. And since you are no longer advising the TAs, I’m sure you’ll have some extra time to run the undergraduate student poetry contest next semester.

  I kept my groan mostly silent. “Of course.”

  “And to serve on the dissertation board. And update the faculty handbook—since there are certainly a few rules you need to brush up on.”

  “Anything else?” I said, figuring there was about a fifty percent chance I’d kept the sarcasm out of my voice.

  “There likely will be more once next semester gets started.”

  “And if I do all that, Maya doesn’t get punished?”

  Dr. Harper smiled at me. It wasn’t a very nice smile. “You seem to have misunderstood, Dr. Jenson. All of that is part of your penitence. As for Maya, I will talk with her, but she won’t be penalized—on one condition.”

  Crap.

  That didn’t sound good.

  MB: OMG, are you okay?

  TJ: That’s what I was going to ask you.

  There was a pause.

  MB: Yes. I think so. Dr. Harper called me in at the end of the day. Told me how inappropriately I’d acted, and that kind of thing. She also said that this was the time in my life to be focused my career and not to get distracted by other things. We talked a little about how hard it was to get a job in an English Department in higher education and how I shouldn’t do anything to jeopardize my chances.

  TJ: She’s not wrong.

  Shit. My concern had been that she be able to continue teaching and taking classes as normal for her degree. I hadn’t thought about how this might fuck up things for her afterwards. It was already next to impossible to get a job in our field. What would she do if no one in the English Department would give her a strong letter of recommendation?

  MB: What was Dr. Harper doing in Riverside, do you know?

  TJ: Apparently, her sister and brother-in-law live up there, and she was dining with them.

  MB: Really? I didn’t see her until she appeared at our table.

  TJ: Me either.

  It sounded corny as hell, but I’d only had eyes for Maya.

  MB: Guess we were pretty focused on each other.

  TJ: Which normally would be a good thing.

  MB: Yeah. Up until then, I had such a great time. It was the best date I’d ever been on. Definitely the fanciest. But also the best.

  TJ: You looked so beautiful in that dress. How come I’ve never seen it before?

  It had been a wrap dress in some kind of dark blue. The material had gathered low on her breasts and then cinched in at her waist. The moment I saw her in it, I wanted to pull her to me and hold her close. And then peel it off her inch by inch.

  MB: It’s not the kind of thing I’d wear to teach. Or to sit in a lecture hall.

  TJ: True.

  There was a hesitation, and then I could see she was typing.

  MB: I could wear it for you tomorrow night if you’d like.

  Oh shit.

  MB: And… do I have to bring anything? For spending the night? I mean, if you want me to spend the night. I could leave, you know, after. If that’s what you’d prefer.

  Shit, shit, shit. I needed to see her straight, but I couldn’t let that go by without comment.

  TJ: Of course I’d love for you to spend the whole night.

  MB: Good. I’d like that, too. Even with how awful today was, it was so amazing to think about it. I can’t wait to be in your arms.

  TJ: Maya…

  MB: And in your bed.

  TJ: Maya, I’m sorry, but we can’t.

  God, I felt like I was kicking a puppy. No, worse. Because I wasn’t just letting her down, I was letting myself down, too.

  TJ: We can’t see each anymore. Not if we want to stay at the university. Not if we want to keep our positions.

  MB: But… we can be more careful. No more study rooms at the library. But outside of work, we can still be together, right? They don’t have the right to dictate what we do outside of work… do they?

  I could picture her face, her earnest, beautiful face as she typed that. She was so young. So hopeful. When had I last felt like that? Probably pretty recently, now that I thought about it. Seems like every time I spoke with her, she made me feel younger and more hopeful, too. Except this time. I hated crushing her hope. Yet it was better than letting her career go down in flames before it had ever even gotten off the ground.

  TJ: They do. We can’t be in any kind of relationship. Because of what I did.

  MB: Whatever it was, I did it too. What *we* did.

  TJ: Okay, what we did. We broke the rules. I was supposed to be your mentor, and instead I was your boyfriend. I could have been fired, and you could have been kicked out of the program. But we won’t be—as long as we stay away from each other.

  MB: No… no, I don’t want to do that. I can find another school. Another graduate program.

  TJ: Where? It’s too late to apply anywhere for January. What’ll you do until August? It’s not like there’s another university in town. Are you going to go teach typing classes at Fairview Community College for eight months? Not even sure it you could do that without your master’s degree.

  MB: We can be discreet. If we’re super careful this time, they’ll never know.

  It was nice thought, one that I’d examined from every angle this evening, but it was a small town. Sooner or later we’d be caught, and then we’d both be out on our asses. And then I’d have no leverage to keep Maya in school where she belongs.

  TJ: I’m sorry, sweetheart, but it’s just not possible. At least not now. When you graduate, it’ll be a different story.

  MB: But that’s eighteen months away!

  Did she think I hadn’t done the math? Did she think this was easy for me? But it wasn’t her I was mad at. It was Dr. Harper—and myself.

  She was typing again.

  MB: I don’t think I can do this, TJ. To see you in the English Building and know I can’t touch you. To chat with you every evening and know I can’t talk to you during the day.

  I sighed. There was only one solution here. I wondered if deep down, she knew it, too. We can’t do that, either. These late night chats. If we continue—we’ll fall back into bad habits. Sneaking around. We may as well kiss both our careers good-bye. This is the last thing I want to do, but we have to stop. Everything.

  MB: No chatting?

  TJ: No.

  MB: Nothing?

  TJ: I’m sorry, but that’s the way it has to be.

  There was a long hesitation. From the dots on the screen, it looked like she was typing, deleting, and typing again. Finally, a new message appeared.

  MB: Don’t you… don’t you want to be with me?

  TJ: I do. You have no idea how much I do. But not enough to destroy your f
uture.

  Maya

  “How was your winter break?” Sandy asked me at the first TA meeting of the new year. Tracy hadn’t arrived yet, but I was saving a seat for her.

  “It was good.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I spent the time at my parents’ house.” Actually, I spent the time crying at my parents’ house, but Sandy, nice though she was, didn’t need to know that.

  “And they live in Florida, right?”

  “Yes. In Clearwater. How was your break?”

  Tracy came in as Sandy was telling me about the baby clothes she’d bought for one-month old nephew.

  “So, who’s our new advisor?” Tracy said, after settling in next to me.

  “Dr. Jenson’s not going to do it?” Sandy asked.

  “No, it’s someone new.”

  “That’s a shame,” Sandy said. “I really liked him.”

  “Me too,” Tracy said. Then they both looked at me.

  “Me too,” I said, and blinked rapidly. You’d think that after five straight weeks of tears, there wouldn’t be any more to have to hold back, but they kept coming at odd moments in the day.

  “I wonder why he’s not doing it this year,” Sandy said.

  “Probably too busy,” Tracy said. “He always struck me as a rising star in the English Department. I think Dr. Harper has big plans for him.

  I’d thought that nothing could make me feel worse, but that did. If TJ had been on the fast track to higher positions, he certainly wasn’t anymore. Because of me.

  Our new advisor, a professor who taught creative writing, showed up and started the meeting. I was grateful that Dr. Harper hadn’t escorted her here. Whenever I saw the Head of the English Department in the hallway, I squirmed uncomfortable. Of course, that was nothing compared to the feelings I got whenever I saw TJ. It had happened twice so far this first week back, and both times he’d given me a small smile. And that was it. That was the only way we were allowed to communicate anymore.

  I tried to listen to the new advisor talk about her plans for our group this semester, but I just couldn’t focus. It was a million times worse being back in town and knowing that TJ was so close but that I couldn’t be with him. Maybe a million-trillion times worse.